Six years sober – 6 tips for long-term sobriety

Incense burns at a signmaking shop in Bangkok’s Chinatown. Photo: Matt Hunt

Statistically, most visitors to my website land here while researching some form of Thai bureaucracy or for the last reflection on staying sober without AA, in equal measure from the English and Thai language posts on the topic.

In the last year, search data has shown me that now, more than ever, people are looking for a way to get sober without going to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings; they often end up in my inbox instead.

I’ve had long email conversations with people looking for help, needing someone just to talk to, or asking for advice on the matter of alcoholism. Sometimes the vibe is nice, sometimes it’s rage. In either case, it’s usually understandable. Still, it has clarified that people regularly search for alternatives to 12-step recovery. Beyond data, I know because many of them end in profoundly personal conversations with me- as I still make it a point to reply to every single email I get from a struggling addict. This has allowed me to keep a sense of community, which is complicated by being constantly on the go (a perk of sobriety).

Giving back has kept the hardline sobriety aspect of my life nearly absent; I don’t crave a drink, ever. By talking to alcoholics from all over the world, both in real life and online through social media and these annual reflections, I constantly learn novels of other peoples’ life experiences by posting mine online. The stories of others who are still suffering are what keep me aware of the reality that alcoholism is a barrier, not the end, and that telling your truth is as vital as receiving others’.

In the last year, I’ve seen and done more than I could’ve imagined- just like I’ve always realized upon doing these reflections. This past year felt like seven or eight years jammed in one. In my sobriety, I’ve continued to be on a wild ride, and this sixth year brought me immeasurable joy, matched by significant challenges and a new touch of focus.

For my sixth year: six things I know about staying sober from alcohol.

You still don’t need AA to stay sober

I have never made it my goal to be anti-AA. For the most part, I believe that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is vital for many.

How could I not?

I’ve seen since the beginning of my own sobriety journey, as well as by being involved in the recovery of others from addiction to alcohol, that Alcoholics Anonymous is one of the most accessible ways to get sober, find community, and receive immediate (non-medical) help for alcoholism. It’s available on and offline and is a genuine mixed bag of people. Attending 90 meetings in 90 days, if possible, is a great way to get a headstart to longer-term sobriety because, in those 90 days, you’re likely to hear everything from tragedy to triumph, witness relapse, and listen to the stories of people desperately seeking a way. I cannot, by any logic, remove the fact that this is the benefit you will receive from attending AA.

However, you most definitely do not need AA. In the modern world, as I’ve often said to the ire of some others, AA is failing to keep up. The base methodology is sound in most ways. Still, it leaves way too much room for religious influence, sexism, and power apparatuses that are not necessary for being sober.

AA falters at prescribing itself as a lifestyle. Most people just want to survive and feel better. The idea that we must live in fear of either relapse or retribution from a higher power is one of the reasons why I abstain from this form of recovery at this phase. I don’t live in fear of anyone or anything, including alcohol. I don’t think it is helpful for people to proliferate these fears amongst individuals who are already vulnerable and, very often, scared for their lives.

If you’re looking for alternatives to AA for staying sober from alcohol, don’t forget about SMART Recovery and, for the fun ones here, SoberPunks Gang.

Sobriety is individual but deserves company

Getting, being, and learning about life sober is beautiful and mysterious. You absolutely should share this time with others. That could be online or offline; I’ve done both.

Introverts who cannot imagine what I am saying could be true may be wary, and I understand that. That’s kind of who I am, sometimes, too.

However, I’ve found endless rewards in being open about what I am experiencing, exactly as-is. What I am experiencing is still, six years on, a brand new life. I’m still learning how to feel, how to move (prolonged alcohol abuse affected my balance), and how to make sense of so many things that have come as a result of sobriety from alcohol.

In prior reflections, I emphasized that when you get sober, you get a chance to basically do everything again for the first time, even if you weren’t drinking when you did it before. My thoughts on this remain, fortified by another year of certainty that you deserve to enjoy those things you’re doing again with a new perspective.

Add some company to that. Share with them about what you feel, and find people who care to be open with you about it, even if it’s not their struggle. Knowing that someone, even just one person, comprehends what you’re experiencing and that you are, as an adult, living life for the first time is irreplaceable.

Less worry means more focus

Worry being a choice is up for debate.

The last thing someone plagued with chronic worry wants is to be told that it’s a choice or one of the various other socially acceptable ways of minimizing the suffering of others.

For me, someone who has the gift and burden of anxiety au natural, I am hesitant to define worry as a choice. I know that long-term sobriety means less worry, even if there’s more chaos, and part of that is the choice to stop and acknowledge what is happening. Knowing that you are living in a constant state of worry and that it is normal is the first step in learning how to cope with it, just like tackling alcoholism.

When I was still drinking, I lived in a cloak of lingering anxiety and worry, even if I was not impaired. I’d wake and sleep with it because that’s precisely what it does- it eats your central nervous system alive, driving you to the edge of cliffs it creates for you to jump off of.

Six years sober, I still have worry and anxiety, but I know that everything is doable as long as I don’t drink. I’ve faced some of my life’s most significant challenges in the last six years; it’s because I know that the worry is there, and that I acknowledge it, that I can shape it into focus to get to the other side of it, prepared with solutions.

One underrated upside to quitting is the ability to focus as a sober person. Dampening worry into focus has sometimes become an essential mental gymnastics process. Still, it’s the gift that does not stop giving.

The worst thing to do is nothing

Although it is not explicitly tied to being sober for this amount of time, in the last year, I set myself free even more than before. With more confidence, I stopped allowing myself to inhibit my own growth by realizing that as long as I kept doing nothing in the areas I wanted to be, the result would be the same—nothing.

This seems so practical, right? Obvious, even.

However, the idea that a recovering alcoholic, or anyone, can “just do it” is a toxic side effect of the culture of working every day until you die, as well as social media brain rot. If you’re having a bad day, you can scroll on social media and find some inspirational post that was not directed at you and doesn’t care about you to make you feel better, but does it give you the tools you need to achieve your dream? I think not.

Being sober and aging in sobriety means tearing down your own walls. I built walls for myself, including physical health and stamina, public presentation, and creativity. I’m thriving in those things because I just started doing what I wanted. I started making my own show, reaching out to whoever I wanted, and presenting myself with fortitude and confidence.

At some point, I realized that nobody had the keys and that there was no door. I also accepted that whatever my output would be, it would never be perfect or ideal. Still, without breaking any initial barriers between myself and the goal, I’d just stay seated in someone’s inbox, waiting for their opportunity.

Long-term sobriety has shown me that I am capable of making my own opportunities because I believe in myself. If I can quit alcohol, I can do anything.

You can, too.

Beware of comparanoia

Paired with worry and anxiety are cycles of comparing yourself to others, which can get out of control very quickly.

What other people are doing, how they do it, and why can be observed and learned from, whether good or bad. However, objectively doing so is much healthier than benchmarking your own life against what you observe.

Those people, those things, are not you, nor are they what you want, even if you think that way right now. I am sure of this because I also know that believing everything you think is dangerous. Like everyone, I have thought I should be working like others or doing certain things to have what I have been made to believe are accomplishments.

The reality is that those things are attainable, and you will often only realize they’re not even what you wanted until you’ve spent a lot of effort to get them. However, you can redefine accomplishment and success for yourself without comparing yourself to other people and their things.

This is especially true in terms of achieving healthy, happy sobriety. Comparing what you are going through to what you hear from others is as good as just listening and empathizing with them, taking what you need to learn from their experience (or not), and applying it as you see fit. Trapping yourself compared to them, though, can quickly consume your ability to use what you have learned.

Don’t forget to do whatever you want

You’re living once, and right now.

If you’ve been sober for zero days but hope to be sober one day, that’s all you need. If you’re one day sober, you are no less than the person who is 40 years sober—in fact, you might even have a better attitude.

No matter what anyone says or does, you are 100% allowed to do whatever you want in this world. Laws should be obeyed for safety, sure. Still, systems of rules are constructed by humans to control each other, including the factions of people who will tell you how to be sober or maintain sobriety long-term. Remember that what they say is their way, not yours, and if they’re selling it as a book, you should run away. Sobriety is free.

Your sobriety is yours only, even if your reason for needing to be sober is to benefit those around you. No other path to sobriety will be the one you take because there simply isn’t one like yours, like a fingerprint.

The sooner you stop living by others’ rules, the faster you’ll find comfort in your individual journey, which should be celebrated by you. Be your own #1 fan and do what you want. Take feedback and share the journey with others.

Don’t be a jerk, but absolutely- do whatever you want, always.

I hope you have found this reflection on my sixth year of sobriety helpful. If you’d like to view the past years, you can do so here:

As always, if you’d like to reach out, you can email me by submitting my contact form.